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ᴠɪᴇɴɴᴀ
I couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop my eyes from welling every time I thought I was finally finished. I guess everything was really catching up to me, everything I pushed down, everything I didn't want to talk about, It was all happening too fast and too soon. I didn't want to be crying when I walked through Philza's front door, probably waking him up in the process, it was rather late. I didn't want to breakdown fully in his living room while trying to prove to him that I was fine. I wasn't fine, I never was, but I didn't want to admit it.
Admitting it makes it real, I wasn't ready for it to be real.
As the leaves under my feet start turning to gravel, starts turning to wooden planks, I realize that I've been stumbling around, having to lean on the support beams and rails along the small stairs that led down to Philza's house, I ended up falling onto the steps, keeping my head between my knees, hands digging into my scalp.
This was too much. Too quick.
Choking on sobs that escaped my lips, I tried in vain to catch the tears that fell down my face, streaking down my cheeks and onto my stained shirt. The tears barely left a mark in the blood that was already covering the dark fabric. My shirt smelt like iron, felt like stiff wood, my hands were shaking too much to do anything good, I probably broke something- I couldn't tell, there were too many emotions to focus on just one. I tried to stand, but my legs wouldn't carry me forward.
I stare at the reflecting lights in the water when I lift my head, staring at the flickering of the green and red strings as they stretch across the houses. The lights mean festive, send signals of happiness through people's minds. They took everyone's mind off of things, made them feel better than themselves for at least a few days. The flicker of the green and red brought happiness to those willing to pause and take it in, but it only brought me a bittersweet moment.
Oh right, I forgot, Christmas was in a few weeks..
Despite the situation, I laugh. It was broken, and ended in a sob, forcing me to close my eyes and lower my head, but I laughed. Christmas was a time of happiness, a time of gift giving and love, but I was starting to think it was all stupid.
As I sit in the cold night, head hanging low as tears splatter on the ground next to my bloodied shoes, I hear the quiet sobs echoing in my own ears, in the darkness around me. I tried to hold the tears back, tried to compose myself, tried to find the will to keep going, but I found nothing in the ocean of pain that I've been drowning in since I was 15 years old.
15 years old. That's how old I was when my village was burnt down, how old I was when I ran for my life for two whole years, surviving on only the limited resources that the land wanted to give me. 17 was when Dream found me and brought me to the city, and then left for three years when I couldn't outrun the demons in my head. I came back to the city, hoping nothing changed with my naïve mind. I turned 20 in the middle of a war and didn't even realize it, no one realized it. 21 and I was banished from a nation I didn't even live in, and 21 when I left the home and the man that I loved, the next year I was forced to kill that same man. Now I'm 23, my birthday long forgotten in the days that past me, long lost in the pain that clouded my mind. I lost Eret, I lost Wilbur- even if we weren't that close, I still held him close to my heart. I lost Charlie, a brother I didn't know I had, and haven't seen since I stopped drinking. I lost Technoblade, Tommy, and now I lost Jschlatt.
I lost George and Punz the day I left the city, lost Sapnap when killed him, and I lost Dream long before either. I lost the people I saw as brothers, and I had no hope to rekindle that relationship.
Time after time, death after death, it was the same process over and over again. It was the same feeling over and over again, the same gut-wrenching pain that fills your heart, weighs down your body until you collapse. It was the same blood-boiling anger that turns your sight red, bloodies your knuckles, breaks your spirit. It was the same thing, over and over again, and I knew this wasn't the end of it.
Somewhere deep in my soul, I knew that I wasn't done suffering yet, that the gods still had to get a few more laughs out of my pain. I knew that they weren't going to through a damn bone to this dead dog of a body. No need to waste supplies on something that was bleeding our where they stood. But they were gods. They knew not of the hardships that they push me through, knives hilt-deep into my skull, tugging along the veins of my arms, cutting me open to find amusement. Gods knew not of pain, knew not of hurt and loss, they knew not of how much a person could take, how much they could stomach, before they ended it all. For me, my breaking point would've been years ago.
I stutter into another broken laugh, blood dripping from my clothes as I fight for one more moment of peace. I've held it together for this long, smiled through the pain for more times than I could count. I survived through it all, and kept pushing forward, and I would do the same now. I would not give into the temptation of death, would not give the damn gods the satisfaction of my lifeless corpse, they would have to kill me themselves. I was stronger than this, I had to be stronger than this.
I still had a few thank you's to say anyways, couldn't die until I at least thanked those who kept me fighting, even when they knew I deserved a rest.
"Fuck's sake-" I whisper, wiping the stray tears once more, standing on wobbling legs, hoping they could at least carry me into the warmth of the house right down below me, I could see a light through the window, could see the shadows moving across the rooms. Philza must have company over for the night.
Stumbling down the few stairs, I wipe my nose on the end of my sleeve, hoping my eyes wouldn't be too red and bloodshot by the time I entered the house and went into my room. I hoped Phil's company didn't comment on my bloodied clothes, or torn up hands, I hoped Phil didn't as well. I knew if they asked what happened, I would crumple again, and I was scared that I wouldn't get back up. I may have two lives left, but that doesn't mean I won't die early.
Without even realizing I was at the front steps of the house, I twist the knob with a slight tremor of my hands, hearing the metals shake sends a shiver down my spine. That, or it was because of the cold. I open the door with down-casted eyes, only lifting my head when I pushed the door closed.
I blink once, them twice. Philza is with-
"Vienna-" Philza says, taking a note of my clothes, but the panic in his eyes turns to fear for a split second as he takes in the blood. The man he is with does the same, stepping forward in a start towards me, just like he did when I was hurt before.
The man Philza is with looks just as I remember, shorter hair and more layers, but the same blue eyes that pierced my heart more times than I'd like to admit.
"Vien.. What happened-" The man whispers, his voice smooth like satin, but layered with that concern that faded the edges of Philza's baby blue eyes. The man's golden boots stepping towards me once more until he was almost right in front of me, stopped me from thinking clearly, the scar trailing across his jaw sending me back to the days we spent in his base, talking about old books and gathering information for Pogtopia. He smells like pine wood and smoke, of snow and rust. I feel more tears prick the corners of my eyes. Dammit, not again.. I was tired of crying all the time.
I back into the door away from the man, mine running miles around my body, trying to find an explanation for how I should feel. It ultimately settles on anger, which is quickly shown on my face. But something else is hidden under the many layers of hatred. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it was no doubt something I felt for this man. Maybe it was Jschlatt who made me rethink my entire life since L'Manburg's destruction, or maybe it was just me trying to find a way to cope, but I felt my heart hammer against my chest as I balled my fists.
I wasn't know to get anger or physically violent, I wasn't know to be in arguments, but everyone has their breaking point, I guess mine was a bit different now. Or, maybe it was just how much I felt for this man. I loved him still, truly I did, but I was so pissed.
Jschlatt did want me to find him anyways.
1650 words
I've starved you all for a while, here is a half-assed chapter done in the middle of last night that I finished three seconds ago :)
